Wandered off

but I am still here. I had a much needed vacation, spending time with my family, well rounded from all the lovely food cooked for me. Boy did I make the most of it or what.

Isaac can say lots of little phrases in English. He's picked up so many words during the week he spent with his cousins it's astonishing really.

Remember the oil pastel workshop I mentioned earlier in the month? Well, it was great! Just sitting amongst a group of 15 students around a huge table, drawing with such concentration. There were so many differences in confidence, some were very comfortable, others were petrified, but in the end everybody let loose there creative voice and Im so proud to have been a part of that.

The exercise itself wasn't exactly a lesson on oil pastel skills. They had to work in pairs, with one half of each pair describing a famous painting in order for the other pair to draw it, swapping roles half way through the class. In the end they got a chance to see the painting and compare with their interpretation. Many chuckles throughout.
I am after all, an English teacher, and this exercise seemed to be the best way to get them practicing their language skills, whilst doing something fun and relaxing at the same time.

Makes me wish I could start a creative workshop studio someday, but with the economy in such a dire state, Portugals not the ideal place to start such an idea.

One can only dream.

A charmed life

There are so many things I am grateful for. My family, my home, my friends, the food in my fridge, my health. So many things that so many people would love to have and don't. I've always felt over the last few years, that something beyond my control, lent itself towards helping me along, what it is, I dont know. Luck? A guardian angel? whatever it is, it has always had to come up against my worries and fears-and we're talking fear of gigantic proportions (even if I didn't have anything to fear, my internal bully would think up a reason for me to be scared witless anyway)

The voice of Mr Fear tends to be at its loudest in the following situations.

1. Painting. There are people way better than you at doing it
2. Blogging. Nobody wants to read what you have to say. Stop being so selfish.
3. Expressing an opinion. Stop thinking you know everything. Nobody wants to hear it.
4. Being a mother. You can't do it alone. You're weak. Quit complaining.
5. Dreaming of being an artist. Don't even get me started on this one.

There you have it. That is the voice of Mr Fear and I have had to listen to its vitriol for years. and I mean years. It reached its peak during my first year of motherhood. That was a really tough time for me, because it distorted my own strengths, my perception of the world around me. It covered my real needs and the ability to articulate those needs, with a thick layer of vile neediness. No amount of tea and heart to hearts could have got me out of that. I ran to others with the mess of my emotions, followed by the mess of trying to fix myself better again, fix relationships that I knew deep down could never be fixed again. All the while Mr Fear chuckles at my feeble attempts to rise above it all. For the 6809845th time. It did it's job of creating an almighty mess. It did it's job very well.
Hey, Fear, Are you done with me now???

Deep breath. That was not easy to write. But I wrote it.
Hey I actually wrote it.
Was that Miss Long-Haired Book Reading Goddess whispering to me just then??
I wish her voice could be louder, stronger. Kick Mr Fear in the balls!

I think she wants to tell me something. I can't hear her very well. What was that?


Paint.
Blog.
Express those opinions.
Be the best mother.
Dream.

Don't stop. Don't be afraid. Do it.

Mr fear has outstayed its welcome in this little charmed life of mine.

Oil Pastel therapy

to get myself back in the creative groove again.
I'm planning a mixed media workshop event at the school where I teach. It's the first time I'm doing it, which is shocking really since I've been working there for almost 7 years now. But I've finally plucked up the courage to do it. I'm a little nervous but I'm going to see it as a valuable learning experience. Will let you know how I get on!

xxx
Khairun

crocheted stone

I have been wanting to try this for so long, in addition to a zillion other things. I haven't been crocheting for a while after attempting to construct a blanket out of several granny squares. Never doing that again. It took far too long to finish and I made the wrong choice of colours too. But having a look at the truly amazing work of this lady I got bitten once again, with the crochet bug.

So this was my first attempt. Really bad stitches here and there but overall I'm quite pleased with it. Definately going to do more.

life update

That boy of mine just won't stop growing. 20 months old and counting... He knows how to hold a spoon, dances to the tune of Thomas the Tank Engine, does a fake laugh when he sees us laughing, and is devoted to strawberries.

I'll be solo parenting next week because hubby is off on a business trip to China. Yikes!!!

Still going strong with the pilates. Wanna kill the instructor when doing it, but end up forgiving her afterwards.

One of my younger students said to me 'I don't know what it is about you Khairun, but people fall in love with you'.

Wowza. Speechless. To think that a young person, feels that way when I teach them. Just makes me feel like everything I do, the effort involved, the hesitation and self doubt, it's so worth continuing. Because its way more than an ego massage. Perhaps there was a time when it would have been just that, and It would have lifted me up when nothing else was would. Its more than that. I feel as though Im living from bottom to top, internal to external. And having a 15 year old girl with all the insecurities of the world on her shoulders, look at me with a huge smile on her face, is both product and reward of this.

Passiflora

A cherry blossom for a friend.

The long-haired book-reading goddess

Last year it was crochet, papier mache, dolls and wanting to meet more mamas. The year before that it was writing, poetry, and learning to be more sociable.

This year it's all about instilling healthier habits into my life. Habits that make sense for me. Ideas that don't make me feel crap, instead, they make me feel like I'm fulfilling a more authentic version of me.
Introducing the long haired book reading goddess! Well,my new name is open to modification. But for now, this fits me just fine.

So this year, I have managed to stick to a fewer number of projects, let go of some unhealthy thoughts and feelings, and learnt to really enjoy what's RIGHT for me because the real failure for me is holding on to things without doing anything to make it better. More constructive to let another person do a better job of it.
What I've stuck to
Pilates. I am feeling the burn and the burn feels goooood.
Blogging. Just have to tell myself to keep at it.
Reading. Exchanging books with friends, and ordered a few from Amazon.
Painting. Just completed a small watercolour as a gift for a friend.
Self work. I know it sounds cheesy, but through one of my closest friends, I've done a lot of soul searching and worked my way to a better understanding of how I relate to others.
Waking up Early. The ONLY way I can do most of the above. Or I sleep and do none of it. I think I made the right choice.

And heres what I've said farewell to
Crochet. Lost that cozy feeling. It went as soon as I realised how insanely old it made me feel.
Short hair. I had this sudden urge earlier in the year to go for the chop. I thought it would somehow bring out a more refined sophisticated, up to date version of me. But now I know,that would have been a version of somebody else. Not me. I was born to be a completely unsophisticated goddess with crazy long hair.
Being so damn introverted. I love this side of myself because I think my quiet natured self allows me to be more thoughtful, creative, and sensitive to beauty, love, happy things. But I've also realised that there is a side to it that just doesn't help me at all. And I don't want to identify with that anymore. It has made me make very bad decisions, lose friendships, and increase self loathing. The worst thing about it though is that it's prevented me from having more love for myself and for others. Not a good thing, no matter who you are.

There you go. lots of deep and meaningful stuff here. But that's who I am.
I'm a deep and meaningful goddess.
Long haired to boot.

Tough geeks rule

About three weeks ago I decided to do a pilates workout three times a week at home. I have no idea what inspired me to do it, and equally disturbing to me (in a good way) how I'm still keeping it up. All I do know is that its made me feel pretty superduper. I am naturally slim, and I say this in a totally unsmug way because I've been likened to an Eritrean long distance runner coming last in the Olympics, rather than Giselle Bunchen not a sultry slim, a very awkward geeky slim, so there is absolutely nothing to be smug about here. I never felt I needed to exercise because i didn't want to lose more weight, and because I didn't think i had an molecule of muscle power to do it anyway. But holy moses, how wrong I was. I had no idea just how much good it would do me in terms of building my toughness, well not building it, since I had zero toughness to begin with, but introducing me to a tough centred stronger me.
-Hello tougher centred stronger Khairun.
-Hello who the hell are you?
. I may be slim, but I am weak. I'm weak in so many areas of my life. The worst being in taking initiatives, standing up for myself, having a firm voice. My voice is not a voice. It's a squeak. When i get into any lengthy conversation, i jump from one idea to the next, I can never get the right word to express something, even when that very word is on the tip of my tongue. I have no sense of centre. Add all this to my Eritrean roots, and what do you have? a long distance runner who doesn't believe her skinny legs can take her anywhere. I've noticed something in myself that needs to be fixed, and it makes total sense to fix it. and all the strange pilates positions and stretches, have given my weakness a proper thrashing. I have no idea whats happening, but I feel like the geek in me doesn't slouch anymore, her back's straight and she can look at the world directly.
She's still a geek. But shes a tough geek!

A little piece of lemon..

I'm in awe of how easy it was to make this and how yummy it turned out.
This will be on the list of things to bake for my husbands birthday next month.

Lemon Meringue Tart

Base

A packet of rich tea biscuits (or Donna Maria if you're in Portugal)
125g unsalted butter

Filling

A tin of condensed milk
125ml lemon juice (about 3 lemons)
3 egg yolks

Meringue topping

3 egg whites
125g caster sugar

Preheat oven to 180 degrees


1.Crush the biscuits. You can wrap them in a tea towel and release your new found passion for baking with a rolling pin.
2. Add melted butter and mix. Press into a pre greased tart tin or dish.
3. Put it in the fridge so that it can set.
4. Mix the condensed milk, lemon juice and egg yolks in a bowl.
5. With the remaining egg whites, beat and gradually add the sugar until white satin peaks form. You can also add a spoon of cornstarch to thicken it.
6. Start assembling! Take the base out of the fridge. Spread the filling first and spoon the meringue on top. You can use a pipe bag if you happen to have one. It would certainly make it look a lot prettier than mine.
7. Pop it in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the meringue is browned lightly.
8. Once done, allow to cool and eat it on the same day or pop it in the fridge and eat it the following day. But trust me, you won't wait that long.

Is it really possible?

Could anything be more divine, more beautiful, more heavenly, than this baby of ours?

He is the reason why I do what I do, why I keep wanting my life to be better. Because he's in it. He came into my unprepared, naive, hesitant life, making the mess that was me suddenly feel beautiful and joyful and full of possibilities.

Sunny day

It would be a shame to waste it!

Blossom

This is a watercolour drawing for a friend. Not quite finished though. I'd like to add some white lines to the leaves but I need to get a better brush.

Homemade play dough

To make it you need

1 cup of water
1 cup of salt
2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
flour
cornstarch
food colouring or tempera paint

Mix the water, salt oil and paint together. Use as much paint or food colouring as you think you'll need in order to get the right vibrancy in colour. Then all you need to do is add flour and cornstarch to the paste until it gets nice and thick. Knead it like you would with dough until most of the moisture has been absorbed.

To store it, keep in any airtight container. If it gets a little sweaty, just add flour to it.

He loved it. Until he realised it didn't taste very good. Then he just poked at it with a crayon like it was some kind of hideous washed up jelly fish.

There comes a time to start

Starting things is what I do best. Knowing the best time to start is what I do worst. Like getting enthusiastic about Pilates a week before discovering I was pregnant, buying art materials whilst moving into and renovating a house, painting a mural in Isaacs old bedroom, only to move out and painting over it, six months later.
The bad timing worked in our favour when we moved out. It looked terrible; me returning to my full time schedule at work, all three of us sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of Antonios old bedroom whilst waiting for our house to be ready. We ended up staying six weeks rather than the very optimistic five days.
But in the end, we couldn't have done it at a better time. And we are happier for taking that risk, of not waiting for the right time, as so many people often do.
I've learnt that there is a time, and there just isn't a time, there are things that need careful planning and things that don't, and it's taken me a while to discover what goes in what.

The Go Slowly List

1. Pilates.
I've started doing pilates three times a week. It's not to lose weight in mind, as I am already skinny. I just want to work on my strength and general well being.

2. Portuguese
I came up with a great way to practice. I speak a little everyday with one of my colleagues at work. It is tricky getting some Portuguese in, considering I am an English teacher in a school where speaking Portuguese is severely restricted, but I try to keep it discreet. I'm also doing the same with my husband, speaking to him when Isaac isn't around as I want to make sure my son only hears me speaking in English.
I feel like an Portuguese secret agent!

3. Minimalist skin and haircare routine

I've gone back to the joys of growing my hair long and strong again. That means fewer times using shampoo, lots of coconut oil to keep it in good condition and waiting very patiently to get it looking like it used to, LONG! Ive been using coconut oil for my skin moisturiser too. No more Clinique products. My skin has been a lot better since doing this

4. No T.V

Now that the weathers getting better, I feel I'm less tempted to switch on the T.V to keep Isaac occupied for short periods at a time. Instead, I've been listening to podcasts with him or going out into the garden. I rarely watch the box these days which I'm really happy about. There is just nothing more frustrating to me than to sit in front of it whilst thinking about all the better things I could be doing.

5. Drawing

Last night I had a look at some art blogs from my favourites and the fire in my heart just lit up again. I got all my art materials out and began drawing again. No objectives, no pressure. Just enjoying the return of this feeling which I haven't had in a long time. Hurrahh!! I have finally started!

Sifting through past blog posts like old photos

I forget how much I shared on this blog and how much of it is not as bad as I was telling myself.
I initially went into the archives to purge them of awful memories, bad writing, strange art work and odd Youtube videos. I was set on this mission but as I started reading my verbal attempts to understand the world around me and my feeble place in it, I started having a change of heart.
I actually don't think any of it is that bad. I don't know why I slam my efforts sometimes, maybe its just years of brainwashing myself into thinking I could not be very good at much. But there is a lot of good I did and a lot of good I would still love to continue doing. I know I just need to reestablish that personal drive again, to write here, because I do still want to keep writing. I guess i need to exorcise myself of the fear to return here because there is a fear. The fear of hurting somebody, the fear of looking like a know-it-all, the fear of being ridiculed, the fear of loneliness, because blogging, just like painting, is a very lonely experience for me and I've avoided these two activities because they embody moments and memories of loneliness at their peak.
But I'm pretty sure, in fact I'm positive, that all this fear I'm carrying around, is a figment of my rather wandering imagination. I'm afraid of myself. Maybe I'm afraid of what I can truly be capable of. Maybe I'm afraid of what I know I could lose by following my dreams.
This is a start though.

My favourite poem

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


Mary Oliver

So heres the thing...

Given the fact that I don't come round here too often, I'm back to that age old question again 'To blog or not to blog?'
I can't say I've been rushed off my feet or anything. I've simply decided to get through my to do list for 2011, most of which focuses on a clear-up operation after Hurricane Beinganewmama. Thankfully, I've managed to rescue the most important person amongst all this, that is, me. I may have survived it, but man did I make a big mess of getting myself back together again or what. Like doing a jigsaw puzzle with the lights out. I've kinda ignored the way i look, ignored a lot of people in my life, gone on the defensive, given up on me in a way thats just totally unforgivable, and just been abit crap to the world really. Incase you were wondering. I had a close run in with those ghastly post natal depression goblins. They didn't quite suceed in taking up residence here, but they certainly left me with a hell of a lot to clear up. I kinda see them as the extended family of the last lot of goblins that came into my life when i was 17. Those ones stayed so long i was practically the landlord of a goblin B and B.

so, I'm still wondering..to blog or not to blog?
I hate being such a lame blogger.

How my love for teaching started by not teaching very well.

I've been an English teacher for six years. Those six years have been more of a learning experience than a teaching one because there was so much about the profession that I wasn't aware of. I've lived abroad for those six years, so unsurprisingly,it was not only a lesson on teaching but a lesson on creating a new life for myself. As time passed, I realised several important points that have changed the way I approach teaching.

1.Being native doesn't make you a good teacher The first lesson in humility was that being a native speaker didn't mean I could teach. Being curious didn't help my credentials either. Nor did an impressive South London accent. Or great stories about my move from London to Lisbon. It certainly made class activities bearable to me. But what I realised was that I just had lots of students finding me pleasant without learning anything new. Plus I was running out of stories. Which leads me to the next point.

2.Talking about your pet Iguana, your travels to Nepal, and crazy members of your family will eventually tire you out.As it did with me. I don't disagree with sharing personal stories. It is a way of engaging students into relaxed conversation that don't focus on stiff grammar exercises. It increases the confidence of students not to mention making it fun. But here's the but, and it's a significant but. What happened to me over time was that some students forgot what their objectives were. They forgot to ask me questions about the language because I gave little opportunity for them to do so. Talking about my terrible morning at the post office was what did it. Some students asked for more guidance, more structure, more actual teaching, which, when given the cue, I was happy in having a go at being a 'proper teacher'.These were the students that were fully aware of what they needed to learn in the x number of months they had paid to study here. It was a reminder to me that I really had to be more considerate of this fact. That not all the students wanted to simply chat.

3.Lavishing too much praise.
I became aware that lavishing praise on students without them knowing why was not only insincere but disregarded the students particular weaknesses and strengths. Not only that but some students went on to have a distorted perception of their language skills. Some thought they were better than they actually were which I think is more damaging in the long run than those who think their language skills are worse than they are. I've since found that it's a lot easier to improve confidence in a student by helping them through difficult grammar points, than finding a sensitive way of explaining to advanced level students that they need to study the tenses again. It embarassed me when I knew that a number of my students from previous years went out into the world with questionable language skills. All because of me not having an honest teaching approach.

4.Teach with confidence.
I followed lesson plans to such precision, that I may as well have not been physically present. Other times I tried ignoring the lesson plans altogether, but that left me with nothing to guide me except a hesitant desire to do my best. Whatever that entailed. This created a haphazard teaching style, an inconsistent appoach that reflected my lack of confidence as a teacher.
I finally faced up to things once I returned from my maternity leave, that I had to be more accountable for my work, since it was after all where I was spending the majority of my time. I looked at ways to manage my time, so that I could read more, write more, and plan lessons of my own. This brings me to my final point.

5. Teach what you know, not what you don't.
By getting back to my old reading and writing habits, I understood what I needed to learn in order to improve my teaching skills. I also reminded myself of things I already knew too. I think it's essential for anybody, no matter what field you're in, to excell in it in whatever way you can. It puts you in control, makes you think about how much of an impact you can have on the lives of others despite the bad pay or lousy office space. it demonstrates resilience and most of all, getting involved makes the working day fly by. There is no 'making it through to the end of the day'. There's less resistence or struggle when you are willing to be good at what you do.

I love what I do now, because I started to try out new things, learn about them, rather than find new ways to make it through the day. I never saw myself as a teacher until I had no choice but to, given the language barrier and being an Art History graduate when arriving in Lisbon. Art History, if you don't know already, is the most useless degree ever. Enjoyed it, but completely useless. Six years later and I am still here, still not sure what my 'calling is' and I'm not sure I ever will. In the meantime, I'm helping a few individuals get a step up in life by providing them a valuable skill; learning a language. My parents moved to England in the late seventies. . I grew up in a home where three languages were used daily; Bangla,Arabic and English. It is what I know best and what I have to know better if other people are depending on it.

So I think I can assume, I've got a little soft spot for teaching. I never thought I'd say it, but there you go, I said it.

What counts and what doesn't.

If it weren't for some of my wonderful students.
If it wasn't for my baby and his little hands tugging at my earlobes.
If it weren't for my husband's efforts to make me laugh.
If it weren't for my best friends efforts to make me laugh even harder.
If it wasn't for our cleaner who comes once a week and spends more time singing to my baby in Romanian than actually cleaning
If it weren't for all of these things.

I don't really think I could manage. No way.
Just goes to show. Not being a people person doesn't mean I don't need anyone. Everybody does. The difference between the few in the picture and the majority that aren't? The few know you better than the rest. Sometimes even more than you'd like. They'll be there for the long haul.
Live well.
Have fun.
Just don't lean on people who can't be there for you after the party's over. How do you figure that out? The ones who care are usually the ones helping you clear up long after everybody else have upped and left. That's when you know. That's when you also know, particularly in the case when nobody stays behind, which can happen,that you are your own closest ally too.
Which is why I shouldn't forget this very important point.
If it weren't for me, just plain old me, keeping pretty much true to myself, I really wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

Solitude

I've always struggled with solitude. I've not known how to benefit from it without letting it overwhelm me. There are two sides to solitude. It isolates you and makes you difficult to reach. You keep to yourself for long periods of time and people start forgetting to call in once in a while. But it can also give you the environment needed to rest, to tend to things with care and attention, and to retreat from the daily demands of work and family. Since I'm a little on the quiet side, I've noticed that Im sensitive to solitude on both ends. It means that I can really enjoy solitude fully, but I tend to feel the isolation of it after long spells. I guess that explains the struggle really. I look for ways out when I've spent too much time in. But this all starts with me wanting time in, first and foremost.
Perhaps its not a struggle at all. It's just a case of knowing which side of me wants to be alone most. The reading writing thinking in me, or the sad and lonely in me. Solitude in small doses for the latter, and an abundance for the former.

Thats a view from outside our home. That's the best visual definition of solitude I could come up with.

2011.The year that is

and this year will be a great one. It really will.

I wrote about my bookreading goal last week. I have two books winging their way from the land of Amazon and they should arrive at my doorstep next week. I'm looking forward to reading them. Writing down exactly what books i want to read left my mind free of the responsibility to grasp onto passing interests and desires. The amount of books that caught my eye, only to be forgotten again are countless. I've given my mind a bit of a vacation in that respect.
There are other specific things I would like to do too, and I'm going to stick to them no matter what it takes. It's interesting when a lot of people may consider the act of goal writing as lacking in spontaneity (for the carefree) or devoid of realist thinking (for the pessimists) I appreciate both spontaneity and realism. Its true that there is so much to enjoy in the world without needing to plan for it. Its also true that there are unexpected obstacles that we can never fully prepare for. I realise this. But the greatest feeling I've encountered eversince I started thinking about the future ahead of me, was the sense of clarity mentally and emotionally. Instead of restraining me to a set of rules I needed to abide by, its actually felt very freeing. I have energy to be spontaneous. But I had to organise random stuff in my head to feel that fully. Its also made me feel very humble too. I know there will be setbacks and unexpected events, but I always have a choice - and so many people around the world categorically don't. Unless something catastrophic happens in my life, I can recover from obstacles with a calmer more thoughtful perspective.
I have a baby boy sitting near me. He's my direction in life. If I get lost, I just need to keep him in sight to remember how privelaged my life is.

2010 the year that was

There may have been so many things I could have done better, but there are also plenty I achieved. Heres what worked out well.

1. I struggled through a depression spurred by a complicated birth in a complicated country with complicated issues. But I got through it.
2. I have raised a wonderful child alongside my brilliant husband with very little dependancy on anyone to assist us. Not needing to ask for help gave me a real feeling of self-sufficiency.
3. There was so much I could do despite the biggest of obstacles. We renovated the house of our dreams and spent months living in chaos with an infant who was sick through much of the winter, in order to achieve that. We could have given up but we didn't.
4. I took my work into my own hands and became much better with my time management.
5. I spent more time thinking about the people I love, even when not being able to see them, it really helped me dwell less on feelings of loneliness or not being understood. I became a lot more accountable for the kinds of relationships I invite into my life.
6. I got back into reading again
7. I got back into blogging again.
8. I did things that felt right for me even if it wasn't the norm, like closing my Facebook account. It worked for me and I'm proud to stand by this fact.

What was your year like in 2010?