Monday, 27 December 2010

Reaching for the stars...particularly the vertiginious ones.

Vertiginous (comparative more vertiginous, superlative most vertiginous)

1.Having an aspect of great depth, drawing the eye to look downwards.
2.Inducing a feeling of giddiness, vertigo, dizziness or of whirling.
3.Pertaining to vertigo (in all its meanings).
4.Revolving; rotating; rotatory.

I have a secret. I like reading dictionaries. It may seem boring to the vast majority, and granted, at times it is, but I've always had a fascination with new words and how many of them are out there, that I have never heard of and will probably never hear of in my lifetime. Instead of getting down about this fact, it only makes me more curious.The curious collector in me wants to write it all down somewhere in a notebook-preferably a pretty one with a ribbon for a bookmark-and feel that much stronger up there in my head-and a little below- in my heart and the pit of my stomach. Just from learning something new. Just from loosening the grip of being passive to what's beautiful out there.

2011 will be all about me. What I do best. What I want to do best. Over the last three years or so, I've constantly remained undecided about how to deal with hurt, loss, guilt and all that other stuff that life has a tendency to throw at you just when your'e thinking 'Hey, I think this year's gonna be great!' I've tried to toughen up, I've tried to be graceful, I had a go at the humility thing. All of it didn't work and I think I know why. I think I might anyway. There was always that underlying feeling that something about me needed fixing. A few tweaks here and there and hey presto. The new and improved super duper hot confident mama,teacher,wife,woman khairun. This meant having to ditch my little dictionary habit. And my nights in rather than going out and making lots of hot super duper friends. This would mean knowing how to converse and be funny and be memorable all at once. Aspiring to this actually made me feel bad about myself. It was like I was punishing the me that doesn't do any of that stuff, that doesn't like to do any of that stuff. I was punishing the me that was a pain in the arse for being so quiet and unsociable.
I think a useful exercise for anybody, particularly at the begining of another year-would be to ask themselves if anything they set out to do differently this time round is out of a kind of disappointment in themselves. I'm trying not to be happier out of a disappointment in myself for not being happier enough. Last year, and the year before that, and the year before that one too. I should just try stuff without fixing what was. I wish I had known this before. Self-improvement is a terrible word. Be curious, playful, interested-sure. That sounds like a far better idea than to improve something because you failed the last time.

Anyway, heres to 2011. Just enjoying stuff. Having a go.Vertiginiously difficult to reach or not. It doesn't matter. As long as I'm not letting the Mr Positive Thinker bully me into change.


shelley said...

love the new banner, it's beautiful!

happy almost-new-year to you!!!!


khairun said...

Thanks :)

A very almost happy new year to you too!