Colouring in.

So I sat with my son determined to draw and colour and collage. I long for more uninterrupted moments like these where I can cultivate quiet in my mind long enough to sit close to him and breathe in his concentration and curiosity. I had to almost physically hold myself down from doing my usual 'picking things up around the house' dance, a habit I do often as it seems to be the easiest way to distract myself from sad thoughts. I'd like that habit to be replaced by making things with my hands, sitting at our dining table with a whole bunch of pens and paints and brushes and crayons, absorbed in a drawing as my son, sitting next to me, chooses which colour to use next. And in the end, i would hope that my habit for more colouring in time with my son wouldn't just be for the purpose of distracting myself,like so many of the things I do these days are. In the end, It would just be a very normal natural thing to do. I wouldn't be trying to run away from something that feels much bigger than I can handle.

Let me in.

What am I feeling right now? Ennui, a sense of being irreconceivably alone, feeble, useless, hapless, drawn to just sitting motionless, stare at the T.V, wondering, once snappping out of it, how to pulll away and come back to that joyful snese of consciouness where I can hear and see and taste and breathe. Where I can be mercifully lost in a state of normality and thrive there with the delicious presence of my children and there unrepentent love for what is real. The world, the lights, the sounds, the textures, filling themselves up with all of it. Let me in. I hate it when I'm locked out so many times,and like a punishment I can go back in out of choice just as I've been convinced that I have no choice. It's as simple as that. I don't have to be here, sitting silent and motionless, gripped by a heaviness that I can't explain, made heavier still because I can't explain it. And yet. I can just get up, take in a big deep breath of my life as I wish it could be, but is screaming back at me, it already is, it already is,it already is It already is as it should be, thriving beautiful and extraordinary in all its glorious normality. Let me in. Let me stay there.

Hey you world.

I have been away for an extremely long time, and I am not just talking about the blog. With some little steps, I hope I can come back to writing here again, because once upon a time, I really liked it. It has been a tough year, a tough few years, but I am determined to see myself through it and come out the other end. Blogging is my way of sharing it with you, the world.