Let me in.

What am I feeling right now? Ennui, a sense of being irreconceivably alone, feeble, useless, hapless, drawn to just sitting motionless, stare at the T.V, wondering, once snappping out of it, how to pulll away and come back to that joyful snese of consciouness where I can hear and see and taste and breathe. Where I can be mercifully lost in a state of normality and thrive there with the delicious presence of my children and there unrepentent love for what is real. The world, the lights, the sounds, the textures, filling themselves up with all of it. Let me in. I hate it when I'm locked out so many times,and like a punishment I can go back in out of choice just as I've been convinced that I have no choice. It's as simple as that. I don't have to be here, sitting silent and motionless, gripped by a heaviness that I can't explain, made heavier still because I can't explain it. And yet. I can just get up, take in a big deep breath of my life as I wish it could be, but is screaming back at me, it already is, it already is,it already is It already is as it should be, thriving beautiful and extraordinary in all its glorious normality. Let me in. Let me stay there.