My technology Sabbath

No more Hi5. No more Myspace.
I've trimmed down my linklists. Stops me from wishing and wanting and hoping.
I'm sticking to a maximum of ten feeds on my Googlereader, so I'm not mindlessly blog-hopping everyday.
I've emptied my inbox. I had over 400 facebook,myspace and HI5 notification messages!

Facebook, Flickr, Etsy, my google applications and of course my blog, are my sneaky exceptions for 2010.

Now alls I gotta do is stick to it.
Despite not losing all the babyweight, I feel lighter already!

Another bowl

done very quickly. With happy colours to brighten up my day.
Abit like a certain someone.

For those who celebrate

this particular time of the year, I wish you a very merry Christmas filled with lots of happy thoughts, happy food and happy people.
I woke up this morning to a kitchen full of dirty dishes from last nights festive dinner with Antonios family. The healing powers of a dishwasher and a cup of coffee coming to the rescue! All whilst the little boy and the big boy sleep upstairs. The little boy slept through the entire shindig! Whilst the big boy did a grand job of cooking, with his brothers (grilled salted codfish with roast potatoes and turnip...)I didn't lift a finger. He got me some wonderful gifts too.I didn't get him anything. Do I deserve this man??? I hope so.

I had some terrible news a couple of days ago. My dear grandmother passed away. Ten years without seeing her. I very much regret that.
Stay close to the ones you love. Hug them, just a little tighter. Try not to let the years roll by. No matter how many times you've felt let down, or hurt, or hard done by. Families are never perfect. Keep in touch.It's all worth it in the end.

Happy Christmas.

Baby it's cold outside!

Mr Hubster, don't you think he's abit too young for that cup of Joe??



I'm going to take an eensy weensy blogging break.
Have a lovely week with all the festivities. Thankyou for stopping by, for reading my thoughts, for making my ramblings feel like they're not just being thrown into the void, for spurring me on in my creative meanderings, and above all (there has to be an above all) thank you for getting me through it. You know what I mean.
Lots more to come next year (like my new obsession with papier mache sculpture, knitting and recycled art!)and my continued documentation of how humungous Isaac is getting.

cheerio!

My gut instincts are trying to tell me something

I just don't know what.
It's about work. I am terrified of going back in February. I love my job, and the five years Ive been there but I have no idea how we are going to manage with me teaching every evening. Ive started this lovely daily rhythm with Isaac. He's like me. He loves the comfort of home and its warm layers of predictable fuzziness. He's sleeping like a trooper-up to ten hours a night from 7pm until 5am, which is when I feed him, put him straight back in his cot beside our bed, and he sleeps another two hours or so, or just lies there talking to his Winnie the Pooh mobile. Long enough to feel like he's letting us have a lovely snooze until 8am at least. Then, I lay him down on our bed, he plays with his dad, (who's still getting used to the early morning wake up call - not easy for a semi-imsomniac jazz piano player) whilst I get in the shower and get dressed for the day. After that my wonderful husband drags himself out of bed and goes down to make me breakfast whilst I spend the rest of the morning playing with Isaac until its time to feed him and put him down for his mini morning nap. He doesn't sleep again until midday for a couple of hours. That's when I can potter around the house, and get whatever I can remember done. By six, hes ready to say good night and me and the other half have the rest of the evening to chill out.
Its been lovely. Ever since my parents left, when he was six weeks old, he just tranformed into such an easy baby. I feel so fortunate. That's why going back to work is scaring me so much. The total change in rhythm for all of us and more so for Isaac. He's so happy being nursed too. So far he has absolutely refused to take any pacifiers or bottles which is going to be a huge problem. It just goes against every motherly bone in my body to be away from him, particularly in the evening and to force him into doing something for our convenience. The thought of leaving him with a nanny (something we can't afford anyway) or worse, leaving him at a nursery when hes still so little terrifies me. I know it can be done, and that mothers have to make these kinds of decisions all the time, but I always go back to that same sad thought. Here it comes.
If only I was back in London. If only my parents were here. They are the only people I would happily have him stay with, and the only people who would be willing to do the job. The week they came was just the best. Hearing them potter around the house in the morning, hearing the sound of the kettle and the clink of cups and spoons as tea was being made. I miss hearing that sound. The sound of home. Now all I hear is the telly, and my little boy squealing with laughter. Being his usual cheerful self.
Some very important decisions ahead.

Bowl me over!

It's starting to get abit nippy out here after an unseasonal hot spell this winter. So I spent the weekend making this bowl with the help of youtube and some fond memories of my art classes at school. Bringing both inspiration and information of the present and the past. This, alongside some knitting tutorials too.
I just don't know when to stop do I? I think Isaac is the only work of art I patiently waited for without any other tempting distraction. And of course, the one I'm most proud of. He's definately not for sale.

This time round..

Here I go again, talking about my baby.
But that's all I can do these days. Besides my crocheted balls, dolls and papier mache bowls that is.
I keep going back to it, to him, to how much of an impact it has made in my life.
I can't be all choosy about the way my its all happening. It just is. Theres no chance to try things on for size, give it back if I don't like it. I'm on board and doing what I have to do, to make things right for myself, and this time round, for my family. I don't even know if what I'm doing is right, but the point is, I have to do it anyway.
He's 10 weeks old, and he has grown before my very eyes into this human being that I would happily die for if I had to. How in the world he did this,made me feel like this for someone, when I started off crying pretty much every day for the first six weeks or so, I don't know. But he did it. And in doing it, he's teaching me how to do it too. To grow. To get on with things as best I can. And I guess that's what I'm doing now. Or at least trying to.
I'm saying all of this because my dearest dearest friend Yasmine, recently had a little baby girl. She lives in London, in my hometown. Her little one has the flu, poor thing, but luckily she has her mum on hand, and just up the road, my brother, who happens to be a doctor, popping round to check on the baby. If I had heard about this, lets say three to four weeks ago, I would have felt that much lonelier, that much hurt and a whole lot more depressed basically. I would have asked myself 'What if Isaac gets sick??? What can I do in this bloody Godforsaken country where I don't have a doctor for a brother up the road and I don't have my mum to help me out??' I did ask myself those questions without it having to be triggered off by Yasmins situation.
When he was three weeks old I came down with a fever brought on by not taking care of myself properly. I couldn't carry him or nurse him. It was like my body was giving up on me. I had put it in a corner and beaten the life out of it. My bitterness at myself, for ever wanting to come to Portugal in the first place, fuelling each blow. This time, and yes I can't quite believe it myself that there can be a this time, after all that, but this time, I feel so overwhelmingly grateful that Yasmine has her mum with her right now, and that she has the support of my brother too. Because I know, how as a mum, you want to feel that the people around you, have your baby's best interest at heart. And that you're not alone. Knowing this somehow makes me feel less alone. Of course, I know I have my husband, as does she, but it's at times like these, especially in those early days of parenting, that family and community help. I don't have my in-laws here or my parents, or a sense of community in my neighbourhood. I had a crap time at with the birth, and an even crappier time trying to put plaster over a wound that isnt ready to be covered up yet. I'm not saying that I have it harder than everybody else because I know I most certainly don't. But I'm not going to disappear into the universe of motherhood as one of millions of mothers who hide their true feelings behind the 'busy mum' parade. Busy busy busy. No time to feel sad, lonely or angry. What an inconvenience that would be. How does talking about your feelings help get the house clean and the kids fed? Nope. I'm not going down that road, I'll wear my sadness with pride, no matter how unattractive it may seem to some. That is what being present is all about.

And that's what having a baby has done to me.

Isaac has given me no other alternative but to turn the telly off, put the Doritos away, and get on with living. And to show to the world what it is that I care about deeply. What matters to me and what doesn't. Pronto. In other words, I can't hide from anything anymore. I can't have one of those days where I just want to switch off. I have to celebrate his presence,feel what a true blessing he is for me.
He's my multivitamin.He's good for me. He's my little comedian. He makes me laugh. Hes my litle warrior.He fights for me.

I'm starting to believe that I'm good for him too.

Saturday speaks to me

in the form of some papier mache action and some quiet time spent crocheting whilst Isaac does what he knows best-eat!
I'm slowly starting to find some rhythm to my days spent at home. Can you tell? It's all still abit of a juggling act but I'm getting there. The weekend will always be alot more enjoyable than the week because I have the hubby with me, so sometimes, when I think Ive got it in the bag, this baby gig, I realise its because Mr T has been singing to him in the baby bjorn whilst simultaneously walking up and down the livingroom, giving me that extended bit of time to zone out abit. Whilst it is still hard at times, there is the major factor of missing my mum and dad and getting all teary eyed when I think about how much cuteness theyre missing out on (he's getting so big!) I focus on him and the immeasurable joy that he brings us, and just try to keep going. I've been reading this and keeping in touch with my blogging pals. It all helps a great deal. Thankyou!

Its a start

A crocheted ball fashioned out of some old granny squares that had been lying around, waiting to be part of a blanket that would never be. I stuffed it with plastic bags (being the eco warrior that I am these days) so it makes a nice crinkly sound. Perfect for indoor football, minus the broken windows.

And a new doll. Sitting next to her much older, wiser sister.

He's not keen on the doll.

Or the ball!

He'll come round eventually.

Monkey sees!..when he has his goggles on that is.

In between trying to get my monkey to poop and barely being alive at 7am on Sunday mornings, I haven't put alot of thought into this post. Most of it went into my last one for which I get a comment written in Chinese. Surprisingly enough, I don't speak Chinese. Surprisingly enough, I'm not going to start learning it anytime this century. So I will continue to do the glaringly obvious, and that is to post more sickenly cute pictures of my poor little constipated monkey. Even with the mayhem thats going on his belly, he still manages to entertain. Awww bless.

What 2010 holds in store for me.

I stopped setting concrete goals for myself a couple of years ago after realising that the failure to meet those goals were just making me miserable. I think goals can only work if you feel that your life needs abit of a pick-me-up or renewed spirit. In my case, I had to learn to appreciate more of what I had around me and what I had accomplished so far in my life. Goals were just pulling me away from seeing this and instead, made me feel that I hadn't done enough. This might motivate somebody. It only depressed me even more.
So for 2010 its all about getting to know myself in the way things are for me now. That is, with a baby on board, with the prospect of major career changes as a result of that, and with a new perspective on how I make time for myself in between rigid daily routines. There are things Id like to do of course, but I want to be able to fit it into pockets of my life without overfilling them. And they are the kind of things Ive always known I'd do sooner or later, somewhere down the road. The things Id like to do more in 2010 are things that Ive been waiting to do, rather than hoping or wanting to do, or wondering what it would be like if I did them. Does that make any sense at all?
So here's what 2010 has in store for me
1. More creativity at home. I ordered this book recently and can't wait to get stuck into it. Its been a dream of mine to have a family that really enjoys making stuff and having a home that welcomes this.
2.Be more assertive. Motherhood has left me no option.
3.Be more giving. It's something that everyone should do, but it helps when you're doing it from a 'good place' in your life. In other words, when you're able to put what is in your own interests aside for a moment, in order to help somebody else. In the end, a magical thing happens: that is in your own interest.
4. Have little daily habits to avoid feeling lost. If there is any goal-setting going on in my life, this would be the closest thing to it. I'm trying to spread out basic housechores like washing dishes, to a specific time of day that doesn't get in the way of more enjoyable activities. I wash dishes, put dirty laundry in, and put away baby toys each night before I go to bed. It then avoids me from ever turning down an invitation to go out because I have to clean the house. Soulcrushing indeed.
5. Get to know myself abit more. Quit fiddling about with the way I am. Work on what I can do rather than what I can't do.

What are your resolutions, if any, for 2010?

I've seen the light!

Taking advantage of Isaacs afternoon naps by painting rather than doing housechores. Because Ive discovered that doing housechores is soulcrushing. As long as I don't resort to using my bathtub for dirty dishes, burpcloths for napkins and diapercream for face moisturiser.
All of which have happened, because of my flurry to get things done whenever I get the chance. There's no point in me even trying. When I do, its all in a caffeine-fuelled haze of randomness. I never get anything done properly, and Id rather get one thing done properly and leave everything else for another day. Laundry can wait. Getting out of my pyjamas and dressed for the day maybe not. It's all a question of priority.

Do I have a story to tell?

I do, as Im sure everyone does, even if they don't quite know how to tell it. Or who to tell it to.
My story is in the questions I constantly feel the need to ask because I cant help being curious.
It's in my unfinished projects
It's in the guilt I feel for not being giving enough.
It's in the daily efforts to try and not take a peek into the future and focus on the present. And the present is best when it involves generous servings of tea and biscuits, books ordered from Amazon, and a line up of artsy projects waiting, anticipating...
It's in my growing acceptance that I might not necessarily be liked or understood by every person I meet.
And that I might not necessarily like or understand every person I meet either.
Everyday for me is a draft of a chapter, of a story, of a book. Of my life. Out of the millions of books outthere, theres a little space on a shelf for me, perhaps in a sunny spot, next to a window overlooking a pretty garden with climbing roses and giant azaleas.
And it wouldnt matter if nobody read it.Or knew of its existence. Nobody goes to libraries these days anyway.
It would be dedicated to Isaac. Because ultimately, he is the story i have to tell.