and this year will be a great one. It really will.
I wrote about my bookreading goal last week. I have two books winging their way from the land of Amazon and they should arrive at my doorstep next week. I'm looking forward to reading them. Writing down exactly what books i want to read left my mind free of the responsibility to grasp onto passing interests and desires. The amount of books that caught my eye, only to be forgotten again are countless. I've given my mind a bit of a vacation in that respect.
There are other specific things I would like to do too, and I'm going to stick to them no matter what it takes. It's interesting when a lot of people may consider the act of goal writing as lacking in spontaneity (for the carefree) or devoid of realist thinking (for the pessimists) I appreciate both spontaneity and realism. Its true that there is so much to enjoy in the world without needing to plan for it. Its also true that there are unexpected obstacles that we can never fully prepare for. I realise this. But the greatest feeling I've encountered eversince I started thinking about the future ahead of me, was the sense of clarity mentally and emotionally. Instead of restraining me to a set of rules I needed to abide by, its actually felt very freeing. I have energy to be spontaneous. But I had to organise random stuff in my head to feel that fully. Its also made me feel very humble too. I know there will be setbacks and unexpected events, but I always have a choice - and so many people around the world categorically don't. Unless something catastrophic happens in my life, I can recover from obstacles with a calmer more thoughtful perspective.
I have a baby boy sitting near me. He's my direction in life. If I get lost, I just need to keep him in sight to remember how privelaged my life is.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
2010 the year that was
There may have been so many things I could have done better, but there are also plenty I achieved. Heres what worked out well.
1. I struggled through a depression spurred by a complicated birth in a complicated country with complicated issues. But I got through it.
2. I have raised a wonderful child alongside my brilliant husband with very little dependancy on anyone to assist us. Not needing to ask for help gave me a real feeling of self-sufficiency.
3. There was so much I could do despite the biggest of obstacles. We renovated the house of our dreams and spent months living in chaos with an infant who was sick through much of the winter, in order to achieve that. We could have given up but we didn't.
4. I took my work into my own hands and became much better with my time management.
5. I spent more time thinking about the people I love, even when not being able to see them, it really helped me dwell less on feelings of loneliness or not being understood. I became a lot more accountable for the kinds of relationships I invite into my life.
6. I got back into reading again
7. I got back into blogging again.
8. I did things that felt right for me even if it wasn't the norm, like closing my Facebook account. It worked for me and I'm proud to stand by this fact.
What was your year like in 2010?
1. I struggled through a depression spurred by a complicated birth in a complicated country with complicated issues. But I got through it.
2. I have raised a wonderful child alongside my brilliant husband with very little dependancy on anyone to assist us. Not needing to ask for help gave me a real feeling of self-sufficiency.
3. There was so much I could do despite the biggest of obstacles. We renovated the house of our dreams and spent months living in chaos with an infant who was sick through much of the winter, in order to achieve that. We could have given up but we didn't.
4. I took my work into my own hands and became much better with my time management.
5. I spent more time thinking about the people I love, even when not being able to see them, it really helped me dwell less on feelings of loneliness or not being understood. I became a lot more accountable for the kinds of relationships I invite into my life.
6. I got back into reading again
7. I got back into blogging again.
8. I did things that felt right for me even if it wasn't the norm, like closing my Facebook account. It worked for me and I'm proud to stand by this fact.
What was your year like in 2010?
Friday, 31 December 2010
Book list for 2011
Nothing will stop me from reading the following books this year. Nothing will stop me from doing this because some of these books have been living in my Amazon search history for so long that I'm surprised Amazon even bother, given the fact that I hardly buy online anyway.
I would really like this year to be about just enjoying little things, within time and financial reason of course, and just do them for Gods sake.It feels awful knowing how much putting off I do, just because of not having an envelope handy, a telephone number, or enough welll-managed time. I hate that about me. So enough hating and more lovin.
Leaving the World Douglas Kennedy
Garners Modern American Usage Bryan Garner
The Use and Abuse of the English Language Robert Graves
The Highly Sensitive Person Elaine.N.Aron
John:A Novel Niall Williams
The Continuum Concept Jean Leidloff
The Infinite Jest David Foster Wallace
The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything Sir Ken Robinson
Getting Things Done David Allen
This has been a resolution of mine since 1997. I'm looking forward to actually doing something about it in 2011.
There are more unfulfilled goals from previous years that I'd like to share with you here. For now though, just enjoy my book list and marvel at what goes on in my head with those cheesy titles. Don't be a self-help book hater. Unless you already are one in which case you won't like me very much. Oh well.
Next post: other musings on goals unfulfilled from the past and staring them in the face once more. I shall make 2011 the year of transformation!
At least a little.
I would really like this year to be about just enjoying little things, within time and financial reason of course, and just do them for Gods sake.It feels awful knowing how much putting off I do, just because of not having an envelope handy, a telephone number, or enough welll-managed time. I hate that about me. So enough hating and more lovin.
Leaving the World Douglas Kennedy
Garners Modern American Usage Bryan Garner
The Use and Abuse of the English Language Robert Graves
The Highly Sensitive Person Elaine.N.Aron
John:A Novel Niall Williams
The Continuum Concept Jean Leidloff
The Infinite Jest David Foster Wallace
The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything Sir Ken Robinson
Getting Things Done David Allen
This has been a resolution of mine since 1997. I'm looking forward to actually doing something about it in 2011.
There are more unfulfilled goals from previous years that I'd like to share with you here. For now though, just enjoy my book list and marvel at what goes on in my head with those cheesy titles. Don't be a self-help book hater. Unless you already are one in which case you won't like me very much. Oh well.
Next post: other musings on goals unfulfilled from the past and staring them in the face once more. I shall make 2011 the year of transformation!
At least a little.
Monday, 27 December 2010
Reaching for the stars...particularly the vertiginious ones.
Vertiginous (comparative more vertiginous, superlative most vertiginous)
1.Having an aspect of great depth, drawing the eye to look downwards.
2.Inducing a feeling of giddiness, vertigo, dizziness or of whirling.
3.Pertaining to vertigo (in all its meanings).
4.Revolving; rotating; rotatory.
I have a secret. I like reading dictionaries. It may seem boring to the vast majority, and granted, at times it is, but I've always had a fascination with new words and how many of them are out there, that I have never heard of and will probably never hear of in my lifetime. Instead of getting down about this fact, it only makes me more curious.The curious collector in me wants to write it all down somewhere in a notebook-preferably a pretty one with a ribbon for a bookmark-and feel that much stronger up there in my head-and a little below- in my heart and the pit of my stomach. Just from learning something new. Just from loosening the grip of being passive to what's beautiful out there.
2011 will be all about me. What I do best. What I want to do best. Over the last three years or so, I've constantly remained undecided about how to deal with hurt, loss, guilt and all that other stuff that life has a tendency to throw at you just when your'e thinking 'Hey, I think this year's gonna be great!' I've tried to toughen up, I've tried to be graceful, I had a go at the humility thing. All of it didn't work and I think I know why. I think I might anyway. There was always that underlying feeling that something about me needed fixing. A few tweaks here and there and hey presto. The new and improved super duper hot confident mama,teacher,wife,woman khairun. This meant having to ditch my little dictionary habit. And my nights in rather than going out and making lots of hot super duper friends. This would mean knowing how to converse and be funny and be memorable all at once. Aspiring to this actually made me feel bad about myself. It was like I was punishing the me that doesn't do any of that stuff, that doesn't like to do any of that stuff. I was punishing the me that was a pain in the arse for being so quiet and unsociable.
I think a useful exercise for anybody, particularly at the begining of another year-would be to ask themselves if anything they set out to do differently this time round is out of a kind of disappointment in themselves. I'm trying not to be happier out of a disappointment in myself for not being happier enough. Last year, and the year before that, and the year before that one too. I should just try stuff without fixing what was. I wish I had known this before. Self-improvement is a terrible word. Be curious, playful, interested-sure. That sounds like a far better idea than to improve something because you failed the last time.
Anyway, heres to 2011. Just enjoying stuff. Having a go.Vertiginiously difficult to reach or not. It doesn't matter. As long as I'm not letting the Mr Positive Thinker bully me into change.
1.Having an aspect of great depth, drawing the eye to look downwards.
2.Inducing a feeling of giddiness, vertigo, dizziness or of whirling.
3.Pertaining to vertigo (in all its meanings).
4.Revolving; rotating; rotatory.
I have a secret. I like reading dictionaries. It may seem boring to the vast majority, and granted, at times it is, but I've always had a fascination with new words and how many of them are out there, that I have never heard of and will probably never hear of in my lifetime. Instead of getting down about this fact, it only makes me more curious.The curious collector in me wants to write it all down somewhere in a notebook-preferably a pretty one with a ribbon for a bookmark-and feel that much stronger up there in my head-and a little below- in my heart and the pit of my stomach. Just from learning something new. Just from loosening the grip of being passive to what's beautiful out there.
2011 will be all about me. What I do best. What I want to do best. Over the last three years or so, I've constantly remained undecided about how to deal with hurt, loss, guilt and all that other stuff that life has a tendency to throw at you just when your'e thinking 'Hey, I think this year's gonna be great!' I've tried to toughen up, I've tried to be graceful, I had a go at the humility thing. All of it didn't work and I think I know why. I think I might anyway. There was always that underlying feeling that something about me needed fixing. A few tweaks here and there and hey presto. The new and improved super duper hot confident mama,teacher,wife,woman khairun. This meant having to ditch my little dictionary habit. And my nights in rather than going out and making lots of hot super duper friends. This would mean knowing how to converse and be funny and be memorable all at once. Aspiring to this actually made me feel bad about myself. It was like I was punishing the me that doesn't do any of that stuff, that doesn't like to do any of that stuff. I was punishing the me that was a pain in the arse for being so quiet and unsociable.
I think a useful exercise for anybody, particularly at the begining of another year-would be to ask themselves if anything they set out to do differently this time round is out of a kind of disappointment in themselves. I'm trying not to be happier out of a disappointment in myself for not being happier enough. Last year, and the year before that, and the year before that one too. I should just try stuff without fixing what was. I wish I had known this before. Self-improvement is a terrible word. Be curious, playful, interested-sure. That sounds like a far better idea than to improve something because you failed the last time.
Anyway, heres to 2011. Just enjoying stuff. Having a go.Vertiginiously difficult to reach or not. It doesn't matter. As long as I'm not letting the Mr Positive Thinker bully me into change.
Friday, 1 January 2010
2009. A year of procrastinating
And not knowing how to be kind to myself.
Thought I'd share this with you. I wrote it before i found out I was pregnant.
Is it possible to write and paint, take pleasure and invest in both? It feels like I'm taking too much on board, like I'm indulging in too many hermit-type activities. Far too self absorbed in myself. But I love both of them you see. I'm not quite sure why I have wanted to write for so long because I don't have a book in me as such and the thought of writing one seems such a monumental task. I´m plagued by the lack of knowledge, intellect even. Punctuation and badly written sentences haunt me. Even though I've kept diaries since I was a kid, written poetry,albeit awful ones since then too,and an equally awful dissertation on Seamus Heaney for my degree. I have a love for reading and researching. I'm a geek. I'm coming out of the geek closet. But I'm not going to any geekpride parade because of it. That's my problem. I just don't like myself enough.
The same goes for my artwork. At most I can enjoy it on a personal level but to showcase my work more seriously seems to me a strange concept to grasp. I almost feel like I'd have to take on another persona entirely in order to be an 'artist' or a 'writer'. I don't know where the Khairun that i feel used to, would fit in. My question I guess is- How do you know you're not deluding yourself? I honestly don't want to pin my hopes onto a pursuit that in the end wastes both my energy and my time.
Wow. I sure know how to procrastinate the life out of living don't I? I wrote that during my intermittent craving for wanting to write a novel.
I'm sure I did mention my secret desire to be a writer didn't I? I guess my crocheting, doll-making and painting distracted me from that particular fantasy of mine.
2009 was a year where I wanted to be fully present in all the good things that were happening, particularly on being pregnant with our first child. But I didn't realise how much of a bully I could be towards myself. My quest towards being happy was a very unsucessful boxing match, with the part of me that wants to get everything right, fighting the part of me that wanted to cut myself some slack and take things easy. I was so disappointed for not being happy when Isaac was born. For waking up in the morning and watching the day slip away in a fog of tears. For not being more organised, for not just getting on with things. For being homesick. For wanting to just stay in bed and not shower.
Then there were days, where I was viciously protective of these tears. They were valid tears. It made sense to cry. I wasn't going to pretend. The quest to be happy was a quest to be truly, deeply, happy with the person I was and the person I was becoming. Not to put on a happy face, and get out of the house with make up slapped on. I didn't want to go out alone with Isaac, in the first month. Or the second month. And even now I find it hard to get out of the house. I haven't been away from him since he was born. But whereas before I felt abnormal for feeling like that, now, I'm okay with wanting to be at home with him. I go out at weekends with Mr T, and that is as much as I can do. The weather will get warmer. Isaac will get bigger. I'll get more comfortable in my role as a mother. And eventually, I will be out and about with him more often.
As 2009 drew to a close, I saw the true blessing that being at home has given me. I was able to take stock and really think about all the things I have wanted to do in my life without going into a goalmaking frenzy followed by my usual demise into a procrastinating mess. I took my time to do things, and in doing so, felt more of a sense of achievement than I have ever felt for a long time. I know where my strengths lie. it's in writing and drawing and learning about new things. The writing comes in so many forms, one of them being this blog. So the one thing I can be sure about, is that I love writing. 2010 will be my year to fully appreciate that.That is where my heart is. As for my drawing, again, I'm discovering what I like to do creatively and what I don't. I've stopped pressuring myself to do large scale oil paintings. They take too long, are too expensive to do, and bring out the perfectionist in me which I don't want. I'm making a series of papier mache bowls which are fun to make, whilst teasing out an ever evolving thought process of visual ideas.
I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't spent this time at home recovering, resting, and raising my child. I would have spent the entire year procrastinating again, getting stressed out by so much I want to do and ought to do, and striving to improve myself all the time.
2010 is all about doing it. Not too much. Not too little. Just enjoy it and experience the thrill of it.
Here are a few things I plan on starting the year with.
1. Complete a creative piece each week, whether that be a papier mache bowl,a watercolour sketch or doll.
2. Write everyday
3. Get up earlier. Having a three month old for an alarm clock helps immensely towards meeting this particular goal
4. Enjoy being a homebody and make my home a reflection of who I am and what I enjoy rather than who I want to be and what I ought to do.
5. Google Calendar GTD and Zen Habits are my new friends
5. Budget, budget budget. Less eating out. This was the first and the last expensive toy we are going to splash out on. He's more interested in sticking his fingers into his mouth.
6. Declutter. Around the home, my clothes, and more importantly, the contents of my head.
7. Get myself some king sized journals. One for a diary, one for my creative ideas, and one for my writing.
8. Less T.V. Do I need to explain why???
9. Less electronic baggage. Already made a headstart on that by cancelling my HI5 and Myspace accounts.
10. Revel in the love I feel for the two most important, most amazing people in my life.
That's my scary list for 2010. Scary because it's out there now, and it makes me feel like I need to be accountable. These are the things that I would most like to spend all my time doing.Except no.9 that is.
So I've got to do it. Isaac will grow and make some of those goals harder to do and I'll be going back to work but it's still doable and there are plenty of mums who are doing it. Following their dreams without any unrealistic expectations.
Now's the time to join them.
Wishing you a wonderful start to the new year.
Happy 2010!
Thought I'd share this with you. I wrote it before i found out I was pregnant.
Is it possible to write and paint, take pleasure and invest in both? It feels like I'm taking too much on board, like I'm indulging in too many hermit-type activities. Far too self absorbed in myself. But I love both of them you see. I'm not quite sure why I have wanted to write for so long because I don't have a book in me as such and the thought of writing one seems such a monumental task. I´m plagued by the lack of knowledge, intellect even. Punctuation and badly written sentences haunt me. Even though I've kept diaries since I was a kid, written poetry,albeit awful ones since then too,and an equally awful dissertation on Seamus Heaney for my degree. I have a love for reading and researching. I'm a geek. I'm coming out of the geek closet. But I'm not going to any geekpride parade because of it. That's my problem. I just don't like myself enough.
The same goes for my artwork. At most I can enjoy it on a personal level but to showcase my work more seriously seems to me a strange concept to grasp. I almost feel like I'd have to take on another persona entirely in order to be an 'artist' or a 'writer'. I don't know where the Khairun that i feel used to, would fit in. My question I guess is- How do you know you're not deluding yourself? I honestly don't want to pin my hopes onto a pursuit that in the end wastes both my energy and my time.
Wow. I sure know how to procrastinate the life out of living don't I? I wrote that during my intermittent craving for wanting to write a novel.
I'm sure I did mention my secret desire to be a writer didn't I? I guess my crocheting, doll-making and painting distracted me from that particular fantasy of mine.
2009 was a year where I wanted to be fully present in all the good things that were happening, particularly on being pregnant with our first child. But I didn't realise how much of a bully I could be towards myself. My quest towards being happy was a very unsucessful boxing match, with the part of me that wants to get everything right, fighting the part of me that wanted to cut myself some slack and take things easy. I was so disappointed for not being happy when Isaac was born. For waking up in the morning and watching the day slip away in a fog of tears. For not being more organised, for not just getting on with things. For being homesick. For wanting to just stay in bed and not shower.
Then there were days, where I was viciously protective of these tears. They were valid tears. It made sense to cry. I wasn't going to pretend. The quest to be happy was a quest to be truly, deeply, happy with the person I was and the person I was becoming. Not to put on a happy face, and get out of the house with make up slapped on. I didn't want to go out alone with Isaac, in the first month. Or the second month. And even now I find it hard to get out of the house. I haven't been away from him since he was born. But whereas before I felt abnormal for feeling like that, now, I'm okay with wanting to be at home with him. I go out at weekends with Mr T, and that is as much as I can do. The weather will get warmer. Isaac will get bigger. I'll get more comfortable in my role as a mother. And eventually, I will be out and about with him more often.
As 2009 drew to a close, I saw the true blessing that being at home has given me. I was able to take stock and really think about all the things I have wanted to do in my life without going into a goalmaking frenzy followed by my usual demise into a procrastinating mess. I took my time to do things, and in doing so, felt more of a sense of achievement than I have ever felt for a long time. I know where my strengths lie. it's in writing and drawing and learning about new things. The writing comes in so many forms, one of them being this blog. So the one thing I can be sure about, is that I love writing. 2010 will be my year to fully appreciate that.That is where my heart is. As for my drawing, again, I'm discovering what I like to do creatively and what I don't. I've stopped pressuring myself to do large scale oil paintings. They take too long, are too expensive to do, and bring out the perfectionist in me which I don't want. I'm making a series of papier mache bowls which are fun to make, whilst teasing out an ever evolving thought process of visual ideas.
I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't spent this time at home recovering, resting, and raising my child. I would have spent the entire year procrastinating again, getting stressed out by so much I want to do and ought to do, and striving to improve myself all the time.
2010 is all about doing it. Not too much. Not too little. Just enjoy it and experience the thrill of it.
Here are a few things I plan on starting the year with.
1. Complete a creative piece each week, whether that be a papier mache bowl,a watercolour sketch or doll.
2. Write everyday
3. Get up earlier. Having a three month old for an alarm clock helps immensely towards meeting this particular goal
4. Enjoy being a homebody and make my home a reflection of who I am and what I enjoy rather than who I want to be and what I ought to do.
5. Google Calendar GTD and Zen Habits are my new friends
5. Budget, budget budget. Less eating out. This was the first and the last expensive toy we are going to splash out on. He's more interested in sticking his fingers into his mouth.
6. Declutter. Around the home, my clothes, and more importantly, the contents of my head.
7. Get myself some king sized journals. One for a diary, one for my creative ideas, and one for my writing.
8. Less T.V. Do I need to explain why???
9. Less electronic baggage. Already made a headstart on that by cancelling my HI5 and Myspace accounts.
10. Revel in the love I feel for the two most important, most amazing people in my life.
That's my scary list for 2010. Scary because it's out there now, and it makes me feel like I need to be accountable. These are the things that I would most like to spend all my time doing.Except no.9 that is.
So I've got to do it. Isaac will grow and make some of those goals harder to do and I'll be going back to work but it's still doable and there are plenty of mums who are doing it. Following their dreams without any unrealistic expectations.
Now's the time to join them.
Wishing you a wonderful start to the new year.
Happy 2010!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)