A charmed life

There are so many things I am grateful for. My family, my home, my friends, the food in my fridge, my health. So many things that so many people would love to have and don't. I've always felt over the last few years, that something beyond my control, lent itself towards helping me along, what it is, I dont know. Luck? A guardian angel? whatever it is, it has always had to come up against my worries and fears-and we're talking fear of gigantic proportions (even if I didn't have anything to fear, my internal bully would think up a reason for me to be scared witless anyway)

The voice of Mr Fear tends to be at its loudest in the following situations.

1. Painting. There are people way better than you at doing it
2. Blogging. Nobody wants to read what you have to say. Stop being so selfish.
3. Expressing an opinion. Stop thinking you know everything. Nobody wants to hear it.
4. Being a mother. You can't do it alone. You're weak. Quit complaining.
5. Dreaming of being an artist. Don't even get me started on this one.

There you have it. That is the voice of Mr Fear and I have had to listen to its vitriol for years. and I mean years. It reached its peak during my first year of motherhood. That was a really tough time for me, because it distorted my own strengths, my perception of the world around me. It covered my real needs and the ability to articulate those needs, with a thick layer of vile neediness. No amount of tea and heart to hearts could have got me out of that. I ran to others with the mess of my emotions, followed by the mess of trying to fix myself better again, fix relationships that I knew deep down could never be fixed again. All the while Mr Fear chuckles at my feeble attempts to rise above it all. For the 6809845th time. It did it's job of creating an almighty mess. It did it's job very well.
Hey, Fear, Are you done with me now???

Deep breath. That was not easy to write. But I wrote it.
Hey I actually wrote it.
Was that Miss Long-Haired Book Reading Goddess whispering to me just then??
I wish her voice could be louder, stronger. Kick Mr Fear in the balls!

I think she wants to tell me something. I can't hear her very well. What was that?


Paint.
Blog.
Express those opinions.
Be the best mother.
Dream.

Don't stop. Don't be afraid. Do it.

Mr fear has outstayed its welcome in this little charmed life of mine.

Oil Pastel therapy

to get myself back in the creative groove again.
I'm planning a mixed media workshop event at the school where I teach. It's the first time I'm doing it, which is shocking really since I've been working there for almost 7 years now. But I've finally plucked up the courage to do it. I'm a little nervous but I'm going to see it as a valuable learning experience. Will let you know how I get on!

xxx
Khairun

Passiflora

A cherry blossom for a friend.

Sunny day

It would be a shame to waste it!

Blossom

This is a watercolour drawing for a friend. Not quite finished though. I'd like to add some white lines to the leaves but I need to get a better brush.

Cyclamen

The bottled up botanist in me.

I can hear my hips clanging. Not good.

Heres what I've been doing this afternoon. Singing.

Up like a rocket!
Down like a plane!
Back and forth like a choo-choo train
I can fly here, I can fly there
I can fly everywhere!

With me lying down on the floor and Isaac resting on top of me, I sang this little song whilst lifting him up and lowering him down again.He loved it, but man oh man, he is one heavy bubba! Got myself working up a sweat.
Word of warning: Don't do this just after feeding your baby.
He almost threw up in my face. Hit my shoulder instead.
Classic first time mum mistake.

He had a longer nap than usual, which allowed me to finish this piece, as part of my January Papier Mache Project Extraodinaire.
I just came up with that title now. I might not have made it very obvious, but that means next month it will be a different creative project.
CROCHET!

I'm counting down the days before I go back to work. And start learning how to be away from the bubba. Which leads me to my confession: I haven't been apart from him since he was born. Nope. Not one second. I haven't stepped out of the house unless it was with him in tow. And I can count how many times I've done that without Mr T. I'm not going to tell you how many. It's embarassing. I'm turning my son into a hermit! Which is not good. At all.
Am I a bad mother for not going out with him more often? I'm just scared tis' all. The only car that I might be able to drive, would be this and my neighbourhood is not very 'stroller-friendly'.
But I need to go out with him. I don't know why I'm scared. I think I'm still getting over the whole experience of having a baby altogether. I feel like the hospital stole my body after the birth and loaned me this one whilst they repair it. I don't feel at home in my skin is what I'm trying to say. They haven't given back my body yet. So I'm stuck with this old clanger.

I wonder when I'm going to get back to being myself physically I mean.
A weekend spa should do it.
With bubba in tow of course! I can't live without him!

All in good time I suppose.

Rainy Monday morning

and cloudy too so it was abit difficult to take a good photo. The stairs leading up to our loft is the only decent spot.
I like painting leaves. I'll be doing more of them. I'm not very good at finishing things off perfectly because I get very impatient and I want to see the end result. I have to learn to be abit more patient, hold back abit, don't get too anxious because I want to make it look good for others to see. This bowl is far from perfect. But it's done. And that's more than I could ask for with a baby to take care of.

Another bowl

done very quickly. With happy colours to brighten up my day.
Abit like a certain someone.

Bowl me over!

It's starting to get abit nippy out here after an unseasonal hot spell this winter. So I spent the weekend making this bowl with the help of youtube and some fond memories of my art classes at school. Bringing both inspiration and information of the present and the past. This, alongside some knitting tutorials too.
I just don't know when to stop do I? I think Isaac is the only work of art I patiently waited for without any other tempting distraction. And of course, the one I'm most proud of. He's definately not for sale.

Saturday speaks to me

in the form of some papier mache action and some quiet time spent crocheting whilst Isaac does what he knows best-eat!
I'm slowly starting to find some rhythm to my days spent at home. Can you tell? It's all still abit of a juggling act but I'm getting there. The weekend will always be alot more enjoyable than the week because I have the hubby with me, so sometimes, when I think Ive got it in the bag, this baby gig, I realise its because Mr T has been singing to him in the baby bjorn whilst simultaneously walking up and down the livingroom, giving me that extended bit of time to zone out abit. Whilst it is still hard at times, there is the major factor of missing my mum and dad and getting all teary eyed when I think about how much cuteness theyre missing out on (he's getting so big!) I focus on him and the immeasurable joy that he brings us, and just try to keep going. I've been reading this and keeping in touch with my blogging pals. It all helps a great deal. Thankyou!

Its a start

A crocheted ball fashioned out of some old granny squares that had been lying around, waiting to be part of a blanket that would never be. I stuffed it with plastic bags (being the eco warrior that I am these days) so it makes a nice crinkly sound. Perfect for indoor football, minus the broken windows.

And a new doll. Sitting next to her much older, wiser sister.

He's not keen on the doll.

Or the ball!

He'll come round eventually.

My mum would never believe I made this :)

With the most atrocious hand sewing skills that you could possibly imagine, I managed to come up with this lumpy but very squishable toy for my baby. It's called a grab ball.It's supposed to be good for developing the 'grabbing' instinct because of all the different segments that are small enough to hold on to, unlike a standard soft ball.I never once thought in a million years, that I would be able to do something like this. Despite my mother being an expert seamstress, whipping up dresses and skirts for me and my sisters as we were growing up, I just never picked up the sewing bug. We had a monster of a sewing machine at home, the big industrial kind. My mum must have used the constant whirring sounds to put me to sleep when I was a baby, and I remember being a little girl and getting totally peed off because I couldn't hear anything on the telly due to the sheer noise. I kinda feel bad now that I hadn't taken an interest in it back then, because I could have learnt so much. And not just sewing, but knitting and embroidery too. My mum did it all, whilst raising 5 kids!
Looking back and having this quiet time to think about all of this does make me feel closer to her and to my family in general. I think this is all part of the current hormonal rollercoaster ride that I'm on right now. I have been going through alot lately, in between the joyful moments of this pregnancy, Ive had my fairshare of frustration and sadness, which I probably don't let on too much as I like to hide behind my art work and general busybee self. I think I'll dedicate a future post to this subject, in the hope that it may be read by somebody else out there in the blogosphere,a new mummy or not, who may benefit from reading it. For now though, I'm off for a cheerful cup of tea and another doll making session.
Have a lovely weekend peeps!

It's oh so quiet..

Because theres no baby yet!
Having all this time at home, all this free time to do whatever I please, is abit like having Disneyland to yourself but without any of your friends to share the fun and games with.I absolutely love the time that I'm having now, I really do. I haven't had this much time from work for ages,so it feels like I'm learning the skills of being at home. It sounds strange to say that there are skills involved but i really think there are. When you go from working day in day out, and only ever getting to see your couch, your T.V your bedroom at a certain time of the day, its a real joy in knowing that there is a light that floods the livingroom around late afternoonish, that my neighbour listens to Billie Holiday on a record player in his garden which I had never known before, and that I get to sit outside on my balcony whilst it's still light which I had never done before either. I also notice how tempting housework can be, just to feel more productive. For me to feel like this in particular is a highly disturbing revelation!
But theres a downside to all this. The house is so quiet, and as much as I enjoy my time, it's a time that spreads out into an unknown point which scares me a little. It's not as if I can't go out or meet people. I can and I do. (Well maybe not quite so much now because I am after all more than 9 months pregnant and carrying quite a hefty load!)I'm starting to learn alot of things about myself, like how I communicate with my friends and how truly important creativity plays its part in keeping me sane. I never knew it before, because working took me away from all that.
The house won't be quiet for very long though, I definately don't need anybody to tell me that! So, as an example of how I have made the most of this temporary quiet time at home all by myself, I've successfully diverted my nesting instincts to the creative side of me. I have finished my second doll! She was looking like she had a fake tan. Very orange in otherwords. So I rectified it, and finished off painting her arms and the back too.


Heres how I made her:
1.I used the ruby doll pattern from oneredrobin and changed the legs. But i used it strictly for the purpose of learning how to make a basic doll shape.
2. Once I had made the doll, I applied white gesso, and sanded it down.
3. I pencil sketched the face and floral design on to the doll. Sanding it down really made it easier to draw on the cloth. I didn't know that before.
4. I then got stuck in with my acrylic paints.
5. That's it. I wanted to blanket stitch a little pocket at the back to slip in a card or something cute but I don't know how to do it. I could have embellished it with sequins and such. The possibilities are endless really. I have a hard time putting a rein on 'prettifying' things!

I should really give her a varnish but I need to find out what kind. Any ideas on this?
She will be one of my first pieces for my future future etsy shop. :)


I'm off to watch this
Have a lovely Thursday!

A new friend

waiting in the wings. She's coming along nicely, and look how lovely she looks in the morning sunlight.



And this is a little pencil drawing I made on a whim, last night. She has promptly been put on my inspiration board. There's no hiding in my studio! No more drawers of the long and forgotten!

I might be a mama today! I have an appointment with my OB later on so please forgive me if I don't blog for a few days.I may be in a very compromised position, holding a baby no less!!!
Wish me luck and a 'small hour' as they say here in Portugal.
They're a funny bunch, the Portuguese. Wonder what in the world they're talking about when they say that, eh??

Have a lovely Teusday!

Fluff, three day old quiche and a mission.

Here's my mission. It's to stick to my lists. The important ones. Since I do so many of them to start off with.I tend to do them in the wee hours of the night, not able to sleep because of disturbing visions of Oprah in a lime green velour tracksuit telling me to get my life sorted out pronto in front of an audience who all look like my mother. I have notebooks in different parts of my home (in other words, I dont know where they are), each assigned with their own mission which is to sort out every possible idea in my brain before it mutates into pointless questions like 'Why do we have drawers filled with pens that don't work?' or a suggestion like "Why don't I inspect some fluff under my bed? It might be fun!"
Kills it there and then.
I might decide that the small pink book given to me by a family friend for Christmas, will be solely for notes related to my art vibes. But then, in the middle of it, I see a list of what I need to pack for the hospital.
The need to make lists seep into my psyche like Oprah does. Like a sudden urge to itch when nobodys looking or a momentary lapse in thinking when I decide that eating three day old quiche whilst 9 months pregnant might suddenly be a very pleasant thing to do.
But my latest list has actually worked. It has risen above the mindnumbing mental chit chat, stood tall in a potential minefield of thoughts that puts precedence on ironing underwear above making pretty stuff.
And now, I can say with conviction; Ive been making the pretty stuff and mentally hauling out the need to inspect fluff.

Heres a picture of my next doll. Can't wait to show you peeps the final result.



I'm tres tres excited about it!

Off to have breakfast now. Strictly no eggs for me. Wonder why eh??
Enjoy your Sunday!

My voodoo and a story about big knickers

I definately was not intending for my blue lady to look so evil-looking, but hey ho, just gotta go whichever way the wind blows. I've tried to keep in mind the idea of reworking on something until it's just right. So despite the end result of this latest project of mine, I can take it as a learning lesson rather than as absolute failure. Consigned to a drawer labelled 'Things I Will Never Bother Doing Again Because It Turned Out To Be Pants'. Yes, admit it reader(s). You know you have a drawer with the same purpose. So I have decided to cleanse myself of all the creative half hearted efforts this drawer has contained over the last few years and pinned alot of them up on a board right in front of my workspace. Im remindef of a feeling similar to that of hanging out a pair of big old knickers for all to see, flapping away in all its pale pink glory. Now, the obvious matter in this case would be to realise that I really need to buy nice knickers, but at the same time they are still my knickers and I need to own the fact that I do like wearing them. Lots of comfort. 100% cotton. Roomy. Good to do Yoga in. Anyway, What Im trying to say by using my big knickers as a metaphor, is that seeing my creative efforts for what it is, in front of me, really shows me the common thread in my work which is a great insight and a reassurance that I'm not so all over the place creatively as I often think I am. I can see what I can do well and what I need to work on. But I can also see where I should be taking my work. It's all about being true to yourself. And the best way to do this is to open that drawer and bring it all out into the open. Three years of work that I should celebrate, no matter how oddball or dissatisfied I might be with them. It is still me. And I love my oddball tendencies.
Big knickers are cool.

This is a girl

who used to be camera-shy. Not anymore though. You get to a certain age where you just don't give a hoot how ridiculously superficial you become. (Sandra-I hope you don't mind me posting this without your permission, but its such a lovely picture of you that I couldn't resist the temptation)


who, every year, missed the annual village fête near our weekend hideout in Atalaia, a tiny parish situatued along Lisbons coastline.


who used to think that you need to be the best in what you do. But simply being good enough, is a much more realistic goal.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend folks!