I'm working the dream

I'm working the dream for 2010. That involves alot of todo lists, alot of sorting and shifting, all so I can carve out a chunk of time each day for my writing, my bowl making,my me-time basically. Might sound selfish, but if I don't do it, I won't be the kind of mother Isaac will be proud of. And I want him to be proud. Proud and inspired. I want to inspire him with my strengths, encourage him to be expressive and independant. I want him to see me happy.
Im on a mission to fight off the waves of passive t.v consumption and fear. My God, don't mention the fear. The fear to live the dream and to believe that I am good at something. The fear had me in its claws for years.
But I think I can safely say that I am out. With a few scratches perhaps, but I'm out.

Finished one bowl today. I had hoped to finish it in the morning, but with Isaacs random napping that has us in circles, I ended up finishing it tonight.
Finally found a positive prospective for a nanny. I was deliberatly avoiding having to think about it for a while now. I just didnt want to deal with the huge change of me going back to work whilst feeling so protective over him. I'm a foreigner here who doesn't know how to speak the language well. And when you have a baby in a country where you don't know how to speak the language well, it doesn't paint a very good picture. But lets not go there. I need to learn to trust again, without being a softly spoken, foreign pushover.

Mr T cooked turkey and roast potatoes for dinner. It's our eight year anniversary today. Eight years together. I can't believe it. And now we have this beautiful baby to make those eight years sparkle.

I can't quite believe it. This is my life. This family I've created for myself. It's the firm ground I need to get where I need to be.
I can't wait to get there.

2009. A year of procrastinating

And not knowing how to be kind to myself.
Thought I'd share this with you. I wrote it before i found out I was pregnant.

Is it possible to write and paint, take pleasure and invest in both? It feels like I'm taking too much on board, like I'm indulging in too many hermit-type activities. Far too self absorbed in myself. But I love both of them you see. I'm not quite sure why I have wanted to write for so long because I don't have a book in me as such and the thought of writing one seems such a monumental task. I´m plagued by the lack of knowledge, intellect even. Punctuation and badly written sentences haunt me. Even though I've kept diaries since I was a kid, written poetry,albeit awful ones since then too,and an equally awful dissertation on Seamus Heaney for my degree. I have a love for reading and researching. I'm a geek. I'm coming out of the geek closet. But I'm not going to any geekpride parade because of it. That's my problem. I just don't like myself enough.
The same goes for my artwork. At most I can enjoy it on a personal level but to showcase my work more seriously seems to me a strange concept to grasp. I almost feel like I'd have to take on another persona entirely in order to be an 'artist' or a 'writer'. I don't know where the Khairun that i feel used to, would fit in. My question I guess is- How do you know you're not deluding yourself? I honestly don't want to pin my hopes onto a pursuit that in the end wastes both my energy and my time.

Wow. I sure know how to procrastinate the life out of living don't I? I wrote that during my intermittent craving for wanting to write a novel.
I'm sure I did mention my secret desire to be a writer didn't I? I guess my crocheting, doll-making and painting distracted me from that particular fantasy of mine.

2009 was a year where I wanted to be fully present in all the good things that were happening, particularly on being pregnant with our first child. But I didn't realise how much of a bully I could be towards myself. My quest towards being happy was a very unsucessful boxing match, with the part of me that wants to get everything right, fighting the part of me that wanted to cut myself some slack and take things easy. I was so disappointed for not being happy when Isaac was born. For waking up in the morning and watching the day slip away in a fog of tears. For not being more organised, for not just getting on with things. For being homesick. For wanting to just stay in bed and not shower.
Then there were days, where I was viciously protective of these tears. They were valid tears. It made sense to cry. I wasn't going to pretend. The quest to be happy was a quest to be truly, deeply, happy with the person I was and the person I was becoming. Not to put on a happy face, and get out of the house with make up slapped on. I didn't want to go out alone with Isaac, in the first month. Or the second month. And even now I find it hard to get out of the house. I haven't been away from him since he was born. But whereas before I felt abnormal for feeling like that, now, I'm okay with wanting to be at home with him. I go out at weekends with Mr T, and that is as much as I can do. The weather will get warmer. Isaac will get bigger. I'll get more comfortable in my role as a mother. And eventually, I will be out and about with him more often.
As 2009 drew to a close, I saw the true blessing that being at home has given me. I was able to take stock and really think about all the things I have wanted to do in my life without going into a goalmaking frenzy followed by my usual demise into a procrastinating mess. I took my time to do things, and in doing so, felt more of a sense of achievement than I have ever felt for a long time. I know where my strengths lie. it's in writing and drawing and learning about new things. The writing comes in so many forms, one of them being this blog. So the one thing I can be sure about, is that I love writing. 2010 will be my year to fully appreciate that.That is where my heart is. As for my drawing, again, I'm discovering what I like to do creatively and what I don't. I've stopped pressuring myself to do large scale oil paintings. They take too long, are too expensive to do, and bring out the perfectionist in me which I don't want. I'm making a series of papier mache bowls which are fun to make, whilst teasing out an ever evolving thought process of visual ideas.
I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't spent this time at home recovering, resting, and raising my child. I would have spent the entire year procrastinating again, getting stressed out by so much I want to do and ought to do, and striving to improve myself all the time.
2010 is all about doing it. Not too much. Not too little. Just enjoy it and experience the thrill of it.
Here are a few things I plan on starting the year with.
1. Complete a creative piece each week, whether that be a papier mache bowl,a watercolour sketch or doll.
2. Write everyday
3. Get up earlier. Having a three month old for an alarm clock helps immensely towards meeting this particular goal
4. Enjoy being a homebody and make my home a reflection of who I am and what I enjoy rather than who I want to be and what I ought to do.
5. Google Calendar GTD and Zen Habits are my new friends
5. Budget, budget budget. Less eating out. This was the first and the last expensive toy we are going to splash out on. He's more interested in sticking his fingers into his mouth.
6. Declutter. Around the home, my clothes, and more importantly, the contents of my head.
7. Get myself some king sized journals. One for a diary, one for my creative ideas, and one for my writing.
8. Less T.V. Do I need to explain why???
9. Less electronic baggage. Already made a headstart on that by cancelling my HI5 and Myspace accounts.
10. Revel in the love I feel for the two most important, most amazing people in my life.


That's my scary list for 2010. Scary because it's out there now, and it makes me feel like I need to be accountable. These are the things that I would most like to spend all my time doing.Except no.9 that is.
So I've got to do it. Isaac will grow and make some of those goals harder to do and I'll be going back to work but it's still doable and there are plenty of mums who are doing it. Following their dreams without any unrealistic expectations.
Now's the time to join them.

Wishing you a wonderful start to the new year.
Happy 2010!

My technology Sabbath

No more Hi5. No more Myspace.
I've trimmed down my linklists. Stops me from wishing and wanting and hoping.
I'm sticking to a maximum of ten feeds on my Googlereader, so I'm not mindlessly blog-hopping everyday.
I've emptied my inbox. I had over 400 facebook,myspace and HI5 notification messages!

Facebook, Flickr, Etsy, my google applications and of course my blog, are my sneaky exceptions for 2010.

Now alls I gotta do is stick to it.
Despite not losing all the babyweight, I feel lighter already!

God bless chocolate pancakes

A few days ago i had a conversation with a good friend of mine. After consuming a mountain of vegetable tempura, wonton soup, steamed fish followed by chocolate pancakes and icecream, we sat on our lumpy carpet from Habitat like beached whales and had the kind of chat i have been craving for. I am happy to announce that my brain is still in fully functioning order. Still feels like marmite mush up there, but the marmite mush delivered. I can think! Even after eating, since i'm usually numb from the head down after a meal like that.
I told her about all the annoying 'advice' I keep getting when I haven't asked for it, the tutt-tutting when I eat a slice of chocolate cake and comments like 'Are you sure you should be eating-doing-lifting-drinking-BREATHING that? She listened and understood where I was coming from! Hoorah for friends who have no kids! The most underrated, underestimated species of people ever. I've had too many 'well-intended' comments, advice, looks, stares, mutters from mothers of young children in particular, that I was starting to feel really inadequate. So it was lovely to have a friend who simply listened, gave me her own insights into motherhood without being condescending at all. Best of all, she let me eat chocolate pancake without the slightest hint of a tutt.
To all the mothers out there dishing out advice to mothers to be, particularly first timers like me, go easy on us! Give the advice by all means, but only when its asked for and only when you can clearly see it needs to be given (like if you see a woman 6 months pregnant and scuba diving or something) Share your stories without judgement, and support her unconditionally. Trust that she can do it, just as you did, and even if you didn't, trust her anyway. Don't assume she will go through what you did. If there is anything that fills me with more confidence, it's the feeling that I am being left to do it as best as I see fit. People need to respect that. I have the closest of friends, my family supporting me. If I need help, they'll be my first port of call. Along with the internet too. When I can't sleep. But people I barely know? Mind your own business!

End of rant. Now it's time for a song.
Mr T hated this but I loved it. A lullaby for adults and children alike. Don't listen to this whilst driving.

Aqua Therapy

Spent the weekend out of Lisbon. It was a glorious day. We took advantage of it by going for long(ish) walks by the sea. I tried to take some decent photos but out of all the fuzzy ones this was the only one that I liked. Coming here gives shape to the day yet, each time we return to Lisbon I'm back to my befuddled self.

I have calmed down alot thankfully since my last post, though to be honest, I think it was only Mr T who exclusively bore the brunt of my drama. Mostly after work when I was 1.Hungry 2.Upset because of said hunger and 3. An unpleasant combination of both 1.and 2. topped off with tiredness.

I do appreciate the suggestions given to me, on how to take care of myself during this ginormous change in our lives. I really really do. And I confess that I have invited alot of these snippets of wisdom from mothers who know by asking for them. Though, having a facial expression remarkably similar to my students when trying to explain phrasal verbs to them certainly helped. That vacuous run that by me again would you? expression. I do the same thing when I'm hungry. Or not listening. Or watching TV commercials.

I guess it's all part of the journey. With any luck, a gorgeous, hip and happening, put-together mummy-to-be will materialise along the way.

The pleasures of decluttering.

Over the last few days I had to deal with the prospect of some major changes to my personal life. They are good changes, but scary as I really dont know what to expect no matter how much I try to prepare for them. That's the reason why I have not been blogging of late.
But I have had lots of lovely ideas brewing inside me and over the weekend I did a serious case of decluttering in my studio. It felt so good to get all the junk out! We used to have this huge coffee table in the living room. Mr Ts favourite piece of furniture. With a highly planned schedule of pleading throughout the weekend, I managed to persuade him to have it in my studio. Now my living room is free of an elephant-sized coffeetable.Now I can see my carpet! And in the far end of my studio, lies a beautiful coffee-turned-worktable with all my drawing goodies. Lovely.
I'll post some photos once I get round to kicking my current habit of lying on my bed with the laptop on my legs to keep them warm. I sometimes have to will myself to get out of this position. Today is one of those days.

A new year is approaching

I'm feeling alittle overwhelmed by the number of tasks I've set myself. I haven't been creatively productive at all over the last few weeks or so, and I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself as the annual flu, Christmas period,and the penny counting that came with it have all been a serious distraction.
I had a muslim upbringing so Christmas trees and turkeys were something I only saw on T.V or heard my friends talk about in the weeks leading up to the holidays. Now though, having married a man who has countless childhood memories centred around Christmas trees and the endless supply of socks from his grandparents, I know that this will be a part of my life and our future familys life. This year I had a small get together with Mr T's brother, his wife and their adorable children. Spending time with his side of the family is really meaningful to me as it gives me the chance to make connections with not just his family but another way of life totally different to what I had. And being away from my own at this time of the year can be hard. There may not have been a christmas tree but it was a holiday nevertheless and I have lots of fond memories of being at home with my brothers and sisters watching the Queens speech or 'The Snowman' which was a lovely animated childrens story.
I hope that for 2009 I can stay on board creatively. I plan on reading alot more, and scheduling more time to spend it in my studio without the usual technological distractions. I want to find a balance between my love of writing and drawing. I've always wanted to do illustrations of poems or stories, so let's see what I can come up with.

Over the last six months I've learnt to shut out or at least switch off whenever I sense too many negative vibes around me. At times it's worse when the negativity comes from me and then there are times when its the opinions of others that can throw me off. I find that negativity overall can be quite unnerving and mentally draining. It can rear its ugly head in the most unassuming of situations. For me almost any conversation where opinions about another person are exchanged is a negative experience for me. Because I think about how I would feel if my life was being 'discussed' by people who clearly don't know anything about me. Pretty damn angry of course. Then there are the opinions indirect or otherwise, on how you choose to live your life. It distracts me and makes the critical side of me voice itself much clearer. You think you're really clever Khairun, you need to live in the real world, you want to be perfect but who are you trying to convince?Having support and encouragement can be quite hard to come by, especially when we live in an age where it's often considered unrealistic to be optimistic, and when everyday worries cloud a well-judged approach to lifes obstacles. I find myself getting dragged down by it. But luckily for me it only takes a word of encouragement from Mr T or from a dear friend and I pick myself up again. Why shouldn't I want to feel amazing and fabulous? What's wrong with wanting to harbour positive feelings through the right people environment and attitude? As you can see I don't like to let the critical side of me hang around uninvited for too long.

So to all the lovely people out there who have a soft spot for optimism and all round cheefulness, I wish you nothing but great things for 2009.

Doing nothing is my middle name

What have I been doing today? Sitting in front of my laptop with yarn all over the place, a missing crochet hook (I bet it fell into a sofa nook somewhere..) and a belly full of sour strawberry candies. And I'm already fantasising about some of that vanilla icecream with the fresh raspberries I got this morning at the local supermarket. I've had the telly on all day eventhough I'm not really watching it. Except when Oprah comes on. Tonights show is about compulsive hoarders. Suddenly the strawberry candy consumption, the piles of dirty dishes in the sink and the clothes that are waiting ever so patiently to be washed, are freaking me out. Everytime I watch Oprah I want to get up and organise myself.
I'm a major slob. But it doesn't really get to me too much because theres always something that distracts me from dwelling on it, like strawberry candies, crochet flowers,the sewing box that was handed down to Mr T from his mother and now its in my studio waiting to be introduced to my sewing machine, and laughing at Mr T whenever he says 'cinanon' instead of cinammon. I know I could be more organised and I know that some of the veg in our fridge are moments away from the veg cemetery, I know that I could have painted more but I did'nt because my mind is still full of things that don't quite fit together, I know that I could have finished off a couple of pieces that have been ignored for months and collecting dust as a result.
Instead I drank tea. I crocheted. I embraced my husband.I thought about the time when we tried to take a photograph of the two of us infront of a sunset. And I wrote this.
Makes me proud of my middle name.

October

I would have liked to have posted more photos but for some mysterious reason that my poor little brain cannot seem to unravel, my camera is not on speaking terms with me. What did I do to you Mr Camera? Perhaps your memory is too full. I might have to wait for Mr T later today to have a chat with him. I know cameras don't talk(realllly I hear you say) but when you have a blog, cameras are your friend. And when they're not, it feels like they're saying 'I don't want to be your friend anymore..neh neh neneh neh!
Let's hope tonights intervention will swiftly restore things to my version of normality.In the meantime here are some photos I happen to already have in my files, ones that perfectly sum up Autumn.

Painting giveaway update: 6 lovely people so far (not including my husband, but thankyou for the moral support darling!) One more week left!

 

Love is all around

and I got some of the love thanks to the lovely loveliness of Oiseaux! I have seen these popping up around blogland but did I ever think I would be blessed with this coveted title? No silly, of course not. Ive only been around for a year and a bit and my art still sucks. Well, it sucks less than it used to. Okay it doesnt. Enough of the self depricating blabber already.
Ill tell you what does suck though. Forgetting that there are alot of lovely people out there who might want to leave a comment and couldnt because silly old me only granted this wish exclusively to those who are gmail account holders. I have since changed my comment settings so there shouldnt be any more problems.
I also promise here and now, to be less sloppy with my punctuation. I must embrace apostrophes more.

I am now going to spread the love. According to the rules I must select seven blogs that I have enjoyed and ooohed over recently, but most of all, have given me oodles and oodles of inspiration. There are countless others, most of whom are on my link list. But I have alot of updating to do as there are so many great blogs out there.
Drumroll please. The award goes to....

1.Kirsty Hall: This blog gave me so much advice and modes of perspective on all things art related and life inspired. Its a no nonsense approach to blogging with less of the bling bling and more of the real thing..(ooh i really liked the way that rhymed..)

2.Amanda Blake Her work just thrills me to the core.

3.Elsie Marley A sewing convert, with great tutorials and ideas. The things that she has managed to rustle up with her trusty sewing machine makes me want to mentally repeat to myself; sewing machines wont kill you Khairun over and over and over...

4.Rosa Pomar: Drool over her beautiful selection of dolls. But not too much otherwise that would be gross. Its all in Portuguese but have no fear, the Google translater is there! (ok ok that was bad) Nevermind me, go and have a look. And see how long it takes before the doll making bug gets you. Seconds I tell you...SECONDS.

5.Dirt Silver and Gold : Her colour pencil drawings are heavenly, ethereal, soft... and they probably smell of talcum powder too.

6.Katy Horan : Lovely, imaginative artwork. Her work reminds me of Bosch (not to be confused with the washing machine...you know who I mean Mr Heronymonyhony..) plus she wants to learn how to play the banjo. That takes multitasking to a whole new level...

7.Swallowfield : Beautifully intricate and detailed drawings. Her work could look great on any surface.

Thankyou once again Shelley for including me in your list of chosen blogs.

Have a lovely day people!

xxx

Sweaters and hot chocolate

Getting prepared to say goodbye to the sunny days albeit on and off, and hello to red leaves, snug boots and writing in my diary. I tend to feel a little low this time of the year but Ive decided to embrace the coziness of more nights spent in, cooking,watching old films with Mr T and having more ME time. I have just started to learn how to crochet-yeahh!! and I made my first plush toy thanks to this fab tutorial courtesy of sugarshiva. A task and a half to say the least. But I felt so proud, even though I havent got round to sewing up the little hole where I stuffed it rather too enthusiastically. It feels more like a brick than a soft squishable toy, but hey, at least I tried.
This month I really want to sit back and take stock of all the things I have created and continue to create. I have alot of ideas but I want to start scaling things down, hone in on what makes me tick! So that hopefully and very soon I can go about starting my etsy shop!
So heres to a wonderfully warm and positive September! I know it can be a difficult month for many but keep smiling!

lots of goodies for me...

A piece of my childhood for 45pence..and I won't tell you how much those paints cost because I still can't quite believe I spent that much. And its only the beginning of the month!. I'm still suffering from post student stress disorder.