The things that make me wonder...

I wonder a lot. I wonder what makes us snap at each other for no apparent reason. I wonder what makes us cry and what makes us feel abandoned. I wonder why we go at great lengths to defend our own weaknesses.
I had a pretty tough week where I found myself questioning a part of myself that I had always thought was the essence of me, the part of me that speaks louder than my words. The childlike need to be liked has always stayed with me. Perhaps thats why my closest friends tell me i have a childlike quality. I take this as a compliment of course, I love to learn and discover, laugh and tease. But there is a side to it that I shouldnt be carrying around with me, nor should it be resonating through my everyday interaction with others. And that is the need to be liked. How have I discovered this? I simply saw it in another person. A wonderful person but in her I see a part of what I have been doing and have been unable to control. Ill give an example; when a person is rude to me, or unnecessarily abrupt, whether it be a person who barely knows me, or one of my closest friends who is merely having a bad day, or a person who believes they are 'doing nothing wrong', I never defend my feelings and instead defend theirs. I wonder what made them say that, rather than wondering why I should have to put up with that. I wonder what I did to make them say that rather than wondering what made them behave like that towards me. I go away with that awful question Why did I just let that happen to me? This week was a tough week because it was a great week. I stood up for myself, it was hard and I didnt like the feeling of speaking back, of not apologising, of not saying no. I didnt like the feeling of doing something that was not in my nature. Ive always held the notion that when you speak back youre just as bad as each other. But what I didnt know is that not wanting to make a fuss is a zillion times worse. It's heaven for procrastinators.But its hell for me because it means staring into space during conversations with Mr T (procrastinators do not know how to listen) and sleepless nights ( and they dont know how to switch off).

I have found a peace inside myself which lets me live in a foreign country without the fear of not making many friends here. I can spend lots of time working away on this blog, reading,painting, calling up my sister or my best friend to catch up on life in London, being with my husband and teaching students who appreciate what I do for them (when I'm not staring into space, that is). I used to hate being alone. Could never imagine living alone or being away from friends and family. But I have connected with them much more by not depending on their presence. I have finally mastered the art of liking myself. I realise who are important enough in my life to spend time with, protect and support but now it includes me. And besides, I havent got much time to work on being liked. Im too busy crocheting pink bows.